Oh, Sexual Life

This is my sexual life. You can't take it away, I can't give it away.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Night with Vodka Tonic

It was 80's Night at the club and I had just turned 21 earlier in the week. Most of my friends were busy so I dragged my straight-boyfriend along with me and had plans with my fake-boyfriend to meet me there later.

In my world these terms need little explanation, but perhaps here they do. There is a certain breed of men out there who become straight-boyfriends. They're self-defined as straight, usually smart and attractive and open-minded, and who, for some reason or another, formed a very close friendship with a gay man. It's a friendship that to the casual observer looks very much like dating and perhaps one or both of them wish it was, but it's not. He's simply your straight-boyfriend.

'Fake-boyfriend' is probably more common and universal. It defines the "we're sort of seeing each other" stage of relationships. You go on dates, perhaps you've messed around some, but you aren't dating.

I define these because it helps to explain the romantic stage I was in. No real relationship and relationships that made me want a real relationship. I had been in constant relationships for the past two years with really not much more than a month inbetween (but that's many more posts). Being single, for all practical purposes, isn't something I'm used to.

Straight-boyfriend and I had started the night at my apartment, drinking rum and coke and dancing to vinyls. We were adequately liquored by the time we got to the club, but, in light of my recently reaching the age of majority, I felt compelled to buy more drinks. Shots of cognac chased with cognac and coke. Followed by crazy dancing to delightfully bad 80's music. Followed by beer and more dancing.

It's a little past midnight at this point and obvious that fake-boyfriend isn't coming and probably won't call. Liquor and music, however, have made this fact much more palatable. The boy dancing a couple feet away who has spent the night watching me was making the lack of fake-boyfriend almost preferable to my booze-soaked thinking.

Straight-boyfriend left the dance floor to go to the bathroom and relieve himself of the alcohol cocktail that had quickly moved through his system. I had been dancing alone for less than a minute when the eyeing boy, let's call him Vodka Tonic, made his way to me. He simply put his arm around my waist and started dancing. Few guys can pull of presumptuousness like that, but he could. He was slightly taller than me, just over 6'1", a perfect blend of muscles while still being thin, with dark hair and skin and features. In short, my type of guy.

Straight-boyfriend returned, eyed me questioningly, and moved on to dance with some girl. Vodka Tonic and I went out for a smoke and then he proceeded to buy me drinks: vodka shots and then a very large vodka tonic. These were definitely drinks that I didn't need, but there is a certain thrill, a small ego boost, when boys are buying you drinks. We talked, about what I have no idea, and danced and drank until the club closed at 1 a.m.

The alcohol and sweat soaked patrons flowed out onto the sidewalk in front of the club. We chatted a little more, under the supervision of straight-boyfriend. I asked him where he was headed to now and he says, so ridiculously cliche, "I don't know. I'm homeless, I could go anywhere."

This is normally the point at which I smile and say "Oh, that's so sad" and give him my number and tell him to call me sometime. This is what I should've done. Instead, more out of spite to fake- and straight-boyfriend, I lean in and ask him if he wants to spend the night with me. He does.

We go back to my apartment and the fun begins. It starts off nice, he's gorgeous and playful, telling me how beautiful I am. Then he wants to fuck me. I'm not opposed to the idea so, after convincing him that a condom is necessary (what should've been the first sign), we start.

Though not the most experienced, I'm definitely not a virgin. It had been awhile, but I'm convinced that I can handle and even enjoy it. However, it turns out that he was nothing like any of the men I'd been with before. Not that he was packing anything porn-like amazing, he was just rough. Very rough. I accepted the pain as inevitable for awhile while he through me around from one position to the next. It hurt so bad that I was practically whimpering in pain. This he took as encouragement and redoubled his efforts. I just couldn't take it, I told him to stop, repeatedly. Eventually he did.

At this point I rationalized, "He was caught up in the moment. He didn't realize that I needed him to stop. It'll be fine, everything is under control." So we moved on. We played around. Things were back to being pleasurable and the former pain had dulled. I came.

We both laid there for a minute in the dark before I heard him moving around. I faintly hear the ripping open of packaging and then, a couple seconds later, he's fucking me again. Though conscious of my condom requirement, he's forgotten about lube this time. I'm hurting again, an immediate, sick pain that stretches from my ass to the pit of my stomach. I cried out. I don't remember what cry my body, mind and mouth managed to coordinate. I hope it was some semblance of 'no' or 'stop', but maybe it was just a cry. Whatever it was, it did nothing; he kept going, moaning and saying words that my mind wasn't registering. My mind quit doing anything at that point. I gave up. I buried my head into a pillow and let it muffle his noises and my crying and the pain.

I don't know how long his fuck lasted. When it was over I left my head in the pillow and fell asleep while he kissed my back and told me how amazing I was.

When I woke up the next morning I hurt everywhere. The pain in my head, however, helped dull the pain the rest of my body was experiencing. I rolled over and looked at him: he was beautiful and so innocent in his sleep. I laid back down and tried to comprehend everything that had happened. My stirring must have woke him because he was sitting up now, kissing my neck, bruised from where he had been biting me the night before. He had to leave, naturally, but assured me that I was beautiful and amazing and last night was amazing. "You had fun, right?" He asked.

I said 'yes' and proceeded to give him my phone number when he asked if he could call me sometime. I laid there while he kissed my body before he finally left. And then I laid there, hurting and sore in my bed, trying not to think of anything. I just wanted to lay there and not think.

I must fell back to sleep because I woke up again when my alarm went off. I dragged myself to the shower where I stood for a half-hour letting the warm water ease my body and my mind. I got back to my bedroom and went to lay down on my bed again for a couple minutes before getting ready for work, but the splotches of blood from where I had been laying before stopped me. Instead I sat on my floor and cried.


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oh my god. This is the first time I am reading your blog. I am so sorry. I hope you are defining this as what it is... rape. Please talk to someone you trust about the experience, as soon as you can. Take care.

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